i looked out the window and what did i see

carter and i stayed up watching some tv last night and went up for bed around 11:40 pm. i leisurely took my time. things were on my mind. i went to the baby's room window and looked out. and i saw it. a home filled with loved ones mourning. i could see there shadows and that they were all around a bed. mourning a baby. i wasn't sure if lucas had passed or if he was about to, but i knew it was happening. we had been waiting and dreading this. i couldn't help but stare out the window. i stood there for awhile. then i pulled up the rocker and stayed some more. i cried. and cried. i didn't know exactly what was going on inside, but i could see loved ones embracing, and later leaving. i kissed both my babies before going to bed. twice. all i really wanted to do was bring them to bed with me, and hold them. it took me a long time before i could go to sleep. i had so many thoughts running through my head. i cried some more. and then i said a very long prayer.



i've never been so affected by someones death before. they are our neighbors. we know them. it's a baby. a baby. 9 months in the womb, almost 9 months on this earth. he had a greater purpose. he changed so many lives. he has changed mine.


since finding out that lucas didn't have much time left i have tried to be a better mom. don't get so frustrated with her. don't let the baby cry so long. you have your baby, and soon they won't. i won't forget that. i will hug my children more. longer. i will practice patience. this is what he has taught me. among other things. lucas, i won't forget. i promise.


this family has amazing faith. if you want to read more about them, they are on the side bar under the Nelsons. start from the beginning. and bring a box of tissues.


cancer sucks.